Critiquing our work - My dream job

21/2/2013

Write an application letter for your dream job. The content of the letter is important, not the layout.

I want you to post your response in the comments section. Then I want you to critique every else's work. Leave a comment under their post telling them what you liked or what you think could be improved upon.

Make sure you hit 'reply' under their comment if you are replying to their post.

48 Comments

Kaitlin Murphy

21/2/2013 06:06:20 am

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to apply for the job as a backing dancer as I seen advertised in the local newspaper ‘London times’ issue 2348 on page 52.
I think I would be a perfect candidate for this job as I have been dancing 11 years of my life and i attend dance class 3 times a week. I also perform on stage a lot so I would be used to the whole stage production thing.
My qualities and skills are also something to take into consideration as I am a very kind and generous person and hilarious also .I would describe myself as a bubbly and trusting character and think I would be great for the job.
It has always been my dream to dance behind someone very famous like Rihanna or Chris brown even though that’s a bad combination ha-ha.
Please take a look at my C.V attached to the other page with this letter. Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Kaitlin Murphy.

alison and dannielle.

22/2/2013 01:17:42 am

In our opinion we think that you have put a lot of effort into this and it has showed off. You seem to be very confident it what your to do and i would say you would get this job.

Luke and Andrew

22/2/2013 01:18:30 am

Well done. Good use of language well put together.

janet and ajiri

22/2/2013 01:22:56 am

This was very good. The detail put into this was incredible. The way you put humour into it ans seriousness was a great combination. But next time be more descriptive and say more things about yourself. But over all I thought this was a great job application letter and please take in the comments i made into consideration for next time.

Karina and Keeva

22/2/2013 01:23:24 am

The lack of use of paragraphs, but also the short sentances make it effective.
The fact she mentions her 3 a week training makes her sound confident and she knows what she is doing.
She hasn't mentioned a time when she came across hard situation.

dannielle

21/2/2013 06:06:38 am

My Dream Job
My dream job is to be a CSI as I am extremely good at catching people out. I would be a great help to this job as I am really interested in the crime scene investigation.
I love watching criminal minds and CSI. I would be very concentrated in this job to find evidence.
The one time I dealt with a difficult situation to do with catching people out, I found out my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me, I found this out as I guessed his FaceBook password he had no messages but then i decided to go into archived messages and I found out everything this is how I cough him out. I would be very helpful in this situation.
The qualities i would bring to this job would be my skills in finding out things and catching people out with things. I also did science for 6 years so that would be helpful in the fingerprints and evidence on the scene. I don’t give up on things easily. I am a very patient person I am also very outgoing to. I would just love to have the opportunity to do this job as it has been my dream.

Luke and Andrew

22/2/2013 01:19:46 am

Well done, good use of language, CSI would be an interesting job

Alison

21/2/2013 06:06:56 am

Dream job
My absolute dream job is to be a model in the fashion capitals of the world. To work with major fashion designers who design clothes that are worn all over the world.
I would be the perfect candidate for this job as I have an interest in anything get to do with makeup and clothes and I also recently completed an A level art course.
I have been modelling for certain different people who I know and have been in one music video during the last year. This was an amazing experience, I came across things I never knew and met some outstanding people who taught me a lot. I am more skilled now than I ever was because of the people I have met.
I’m not the most confidence girl in the world but I’m comfy in my own body most of the time and I don’t take any hatred comments to myself, I know that in the modelling industry this happens quite a lot. I would be well able to just laugh silly comments off. In general I am a very happy bubbly and quite humorous person, even if I’m feeling down in myself I always manage to cheer others up. If I got this job I would bring fun and excitement and just a good atmosphere to the workplace.
As models travel all around the world and have to work with plenty of different people, this would be great for me as I am very friendly and I would get along quite well with most of my companions. I would never let anything get in the way of my work.
I have a very large interest in anything got to do with photography and also studied this in college, all the different postures and what not.

niamh

21/2/2013 06:16:40 am

you'd be perfect for this job xox

Luke and Andrew

22/2/2013 01:21:51 am

Good use of language, well done, A model would be a interesting job

janet adeniran

21/2/2013 06:07:21 am

Dear Mr Producer of a Movie.
It has always been a dream of mine to be a world wide famous actress and to star in a big Hollywood movie. I will be a great candidate because I am very imagenative, drametic, and creative. I will bring hard work and charisma to the job.
As a young girl I took part in a lot of school plays and even had a chance to star on Broad Way as Lady Macbeth in the amazing drama by Willaim Shakespear. It was an amazing exsperience. Evry night on that stage performing was always my favourite time of the day. I was so happy. And it also made me realise that is what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Above all of that it would also be an amazing exsperience to work with you. You are known as one of the top movie producers of all time. Just to say that i stared in your movie would be such an honor. You are so clever and so hard working and i hope some day I would be almost as great as you.
I cant wait to read your reply.
From your biggest fan and job seeker, Janet.

alison, dannielle and neil

22/2/2013 01:20:49 am

Neil thinks you could of been more imaginative with the name you were writing to "Mr producer man".
Dannielle thinks it was just amazing and you got it perfectly right.
I think that you have done a great job and the language in this is excellent. Well done!

Ajiri

22/2/2013 01:28:05 am

This was very good Janet. I really enjoyed reading it. If i was the employer i would definitely give you the job. Although a little more description would be great.

niamh

21/2/2013 06:07:22 am

My dream job would be an ice-cream lady. I would be good at this job because I am a woman and have excellent driving skills according to men. As a women I am great at doing anything to do with food as ‘I belong in the kitchen’ as men say. I can communicate well with new people as my ex-boyfriend would make me make food for him and his friends, which then I would have to communicate with these animals at dinner or as I call it ‘feeding time at the zoo’.
I would always solve a situation like this with a smart reaction. I would play tricks with them for all the kitchen and sexists jokes.

I will bring a lot of my skills to this job. Firstly I have a smart mind, can multitask, I am good in the kitchen and last but not least I am a woman!!!
My best qualities would be tricking men, having a fast reaction or distract men with models girl posture.

Tara

21/2/2013 06:12:56 am

Excellent work Niamh good job!!! keep it up girll

niamh

21/2/2013 06:17:28 am

thanks so much Tara means a lot me

Tara

21/2/2013 06:21:22 am

Keep up the spirit, you inspire my work..

neil dannielle and alison

22/2/2013 01:23:01 am

We think that you have good ideas but need to expand on them more and talk about what you set out to do. Most of it does not concern ice-cream. We would not be buying our ice-creams off you.

neil dannielle and alison

22/2/2013 01:23:40 am

on the bright side you have amazing writing skills

clare

22/2/2013 01:28:41 am

Niamh I totally agree with you piece because I too wanted to be an ice cream lady when I was young.I would like to have seen more of your skill and more reason to why it is your dream job.all in all good piece and very funny.

Karina and Keeva

22/2/2013 01:28:52 am

The comparison of men to animals makes this application humorous and very appealling to read. The points she emphasises about women is very interresting to female readers.
The use of cliches are outstanding!

Clare Mac Allister

21/2/2013 06:07:43 am

Dear sir/madam,
I am writing to apply for the modelling job that is available in your workplace.
I think I would be perfect for this job as I am a size zero; I have a fabulous body, I have been told I am very pretty , I am use to have a camera in my face as I am constantly taking pictures of myself and uploading them on face book. I sometimes get fifty like or maybe even one hundred like on them.
I have had many difficult situations where comments were being made about my poses, looks and style, to resolve this I told them that they were jealous and I didn’t care what they thought of me. I also just ignored the comments.
I would describe myself as a smart, well educated, gorgeous, good-looking, bubbly, outgoing, easy going type of girl. I also can get whatever boy I want (my last boyfriend was Channing Tatum) which in my opinion is a great skill.
I would bring my good looks, my incredible bum, my cute features, my creativity and anything you as I will do .I can bring a lot to this job.
I would love if you picked me for this job, as it is the only job I want to do.
Yours faithfully,
CAMERON X

niamh

22/2/2013 01:21:57 am

Clare this is a good answer, It was funny but was too short and think if you added more paragraphs that it would be a better answer. You need to be more careful when structuring your answer all in all well done I enjoyed the piece.

Luke and Andrew

22/2/2013 01:22:42 am

Good use of language, well done, A model would be a interesting job.

alison neil dannielle

22/2/2013 01:27:33 am

We think this is very imagintive but if youve a camera in your face id seriously get that checked out.

niamh and clare :)

22/2/2013 01:33:02 am

Thanks very much for that comment guys just letting you know the camera problem is sorted everything is all good thanks for your concern.

Ajiri Osauzou

21/2/2013 06:07:59 am

Ajiri Osauzou
21,The View Manhattan
New York, USA
Date:21/02/13

Dear, Mr. Sanders
My training in International Business would enable me to qualify for this job.
I am very interested in holding a position in your Business Department.
In June of last year, I received my masters in International Business & Languages Italian For Trinity College Dublin.
It is my dream job, I have always wanted this position ever since I started 5th year.
I have gained a great deal in this.
Details of my academic courses are included in the resume .
If there are any open positions in Global Enterprise Inc please let me know.
When i should contact for further information.
I look forward to hearing from you soon .
Sincerely
Ajiri Osauzou

Luke and Andrew

22/2/2013 01:26:24 am

Good use of language, well done, holding a position in a Business Department. would be a interesting job

Neil

21/2/2013 06:08:20 am

I am applying for this job because it is my dream job. I am sixteen years old so I believe that joining a professional and world quality team like Liverpool Football Club would improve the squad with young talent breaking through the ranks but it would also improve me and my attributes.
Liverpool is the team i have supported all my life and it has been too long since we have seen the glory days. I want to be part of the team to bring the glory days back!
I would like to think that i'm a funny person with a great sense of humour and an all round good personality which would brighten up the dressing rooms.i like to be the voice of a team like Jamie Carragher. I can score goals, I score for fun.
I have played football for ten years now and have many achievements-player of the year awards, tournament trophies, league trophies and many more. The greatest achievement i could have would be to play for Liverpool Football Club!

Kaitlin

21/2/2013 06:15:56 am

Well done neil good use of language there.

Tara and Lauren

22/2/2013 01:32:27 am

We think you should have stated what your dream job was in the opening line but we think your skill of writing was good.

niamh and clare

22/2/2013 01:38:06 am

I totally agree with this neil, I do really think that Liverpool would be a lot better with you but you would need to be scoring good goals and most likely in every game so I don't know if your going to get on the team or not but go for it don't let anyone tell you your dreams are unrealistic.. According to .Mr Carr

Luke

21/2/2013 06:11:23 am

Dear Sir/madam
I’m writing to you about the advertisement you put in the newspaper about the open position for the schools janitor.
I’ve always dreamt becoming one. I know it’s an odd profession to aspire to but it’s always held a special place in my mind. While at school in my youth I didn't have many friends. The janitor in my school seen that I was being bullied and excluded by the other kids.
He looked out for me and I want to repay the favor.
I’ve many brothers and sisters so I have a lot of experience working around children. I have a strong stomach so sick, blood or a messy toilet won’t deter me. I have a degree in first aid
I am more than qualified for the position and hope you will consider me.

dannielle neil and alison (dna)

22/2/2013 01:29:57 am

We think that you would be great for this job. Good use of language and its humerous at the same time.

Karina and Keeva

22/2/2013 01:33:57 am

The unexpected application of "janitor" is humorous.
He didn't use a hard situation that he came across!

Karina Novosela

21/2/2013 06:11:36 am

Dear Mr. Tatum
I have been building up courage to apply for a personal secretary of a famous person. It takes great effort and bravery to have a risk at trying to achieve something that you have determined to.
In the past I have worked with 2 known people, Steve Wilkos and Ashley Banjo. Who you can refer to about me if needed. They might tell you how I did their organising of parties and events to be attended to, especially dinner dates with women.
There was one time when I have made an unfortunate mistake when I invited 2two women to dinner with Ashley Banjo. The result of it was that calling a friend along for dinner made everything easier to handle and the night turned out successful for Mr.Banjo and his three friends.
I have the ability to multitask many jobs and serve you with any requests. I have had worked in T.G.I Fridays before, so my skills of serving are very mature and I have no self-conscious of wearing uniform.
I am writing to apply for the position of Personal Assistant advertised.
I believe I have the skills and qualities that you are asking for.
I have considerable secretarial and administrative experience, along with excellent
keyboard skills and a confident telephone manner developed through experience in customer services.
I have hopes that I will have the chance to assist the most popular known man in Hollywood as it will be a success from both perspectives.

Thank you for your time Mr. Tatum, I hope to be in contact soon.

Karina Novosela

keeva

21/2/2013 06:11:42 am

Dear sir/madam,
I am writing this letter to bring it to your attention about the recent qualifications that I have after receiving. I am a qualified veterinary nurse. I would be a perfect candidate for the job.
In the past I have came across a situation that I had to help a dog as he was hit down by a car. I put a cast on his leg as I learnt how to from college. It was a great opportunity to try out my skills.
I am very kind with all types of animals. I love helping them and looking after them especially if their sick.
I will bring enjoyment and professional skills to the workplace. I have noticed the recent decline in your staff and I would love to be a candidate for you. I would also like to thank you for taking the time to read this letter and I hope you get back to me.
Yours faithfully
Keeva.

Tara nuzum

21/2/2013 06:12:18 am

My Dream Job
My dream job would to be working on the telivision. I would love to be a model and be on the front of a magazine every week. I would love to work with people all over the world and just enjoy my work. I would be hardworking and have no money problems. I’d travel to America to work abroad and be away from home alot. Although i would probably end up moving there to whereever my work was needed the most, and settle down with a family or whatever.
I would also be doing part time actressing, and work my way up by staring off on small tv programmes and work my ways upwards to movies and Hollywood. Live in LA in California. I would love to live there becuase last time i was there the weather was amazing and the people are also friendly. My part time actressing job would help me become more known worldwide and the enternet would also help me advertise my success alot too.
Dancing would be a favorite hobby of mine, although i dont think id take it to the stage. That life would be amazing me for me, its what ive always wanted was tot travel,meet new people,see new places and have a good life. My job would give me the option of a good lifestyle, with a big enough house , pool out the back, and a horse yard with stables and an arnena with plenty of space.
I would put alot into the job to make everything more successfull and make it my favorite place to be. I would make friends there, because we would have loads in common with our work and lifestyle probably. That would be my dream job!

Kaitlin

21/2/2013 06:20:57 am

I like your approach to this job Tara and i think you would be amazing on television i think you should go for this type of job in the future.

eimear

21/2/2013 06:13:06 am

My dream job would be a makeup artist for celebrities, singers or actor/actress. I think of the life I would be living if I were to be one. I can imagine how great it would be to be. You can do various makeup designs and various different looks, like a night out look, day look or just a natural look. It would great to meet celebrities. It would be an experience of a lifetime. To think you'd be so close to a singer. I’d say it would be a dream job everyone would love to do.
Along with this dream job, you get to travel the world because you would have to travel to do the persons makeup for a movie or a music video. It also would be great of people in those kind of industries knew you and wanted you to do the makeup. It would be a privilege.
I would be the perfect candidate for this industry because I would be 1OO% focused on my work. I have a lot of concentration and I’m very steady with my hand, so everything would look excellent and professional.
My best qualities I would have would be great communication skills. I also have a lot of patience. I’m a kind and gentle person to work with and to get along with, so there would be no trouble. I would be very capable for this job, you wouldn’t get anyone like me.

Yours faithfully,
Eimear Gibney

rachael

22/2/2013 01:39:45 am

I think your letter is good because you said how much you want the job and you don't need to put to much information on the job but it good and you put little information about your self that important

rachael

21/2/2013 06:14:56 am

Dear Sir/Madam

I would like to be a Medical assistant. Your advertisement in Drogheda newspaper January 19, 2013 got my interest applying to you.

I believed I am the perfect candidate for this job because I like working with people, helping them through their treatment. I will be a good candidate because am good at teamwork and this job will be perfect for me and I learn very fast and i ask question if I don’t understand.

My Qualities are i am a punctual, pleasant, good listener, Enjoy working with people- build strong relationships easily, Tolerant and Quick Learner and I did in three different practices as a Medical assistant. I will be glad when you call me for a job interview.

Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward of hearing of you

Lauren

21/2/2013 06:17:06 am

Dear Sir/Madam
I am applying for your job as a crime scene investigator.
It has always been a dream of mine to work as a crime scene investigator and I couldn’t believe it when I saw your wanted sign in the daily newspaper.
I think I would be a great candidate for this job as I took courses in firearm training and I was named best of my group. Also in school I was the fastest runner in my p.e class and had great fitness levels. I never lose concentration and once my mind is set on something I don’t let go of it until its completed. I am great at solving problems and mysteries.
I once dealt with a situation where there was a party in my friends house and something went missing, my friend said it was grand and to leave it but I couldn’t I investigated the incident and eventually found out who it was that took the item.
I think my best qualities would be that im good with teamwork and get on great with people so it wouldn’t be hard for me to work on a team.
I think I could bring a great sense of knowledge to your workplace and I promise not to let anyone down. I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours Sincerely
Lauren

Drew link

21/2/2013 06:18:13 am

I am applying for this job because I want to be the next biggest thing! In reading this, you have heard my cd, and you will notice the time and effort I put in to the making of the three songs. I am perfect for the job! I am on 15; I can rap, sing & dance! I already have a small fan base, for example 20,000 twitter followers. I want to make it big in life, and I want your label to become recognised because of me.

I have a lot of stage performance experience. I opened for the likes of District 3 MK1 and Professor Green! Many people have given me nothing but positive feedback on all my performances. I have also been asked to support the earlier motioned artists on numerous occasions.

I am a very loveable and respectable person. I believe I give a kind atmosphere when I am around people and I am very easy to work with. I am always up for meeting new people and creating friendships. I am very spiritual and leave all my problems for God to sort out. I do not believe in negativity at all. I am also a very humble and controlled person. I know when to swear and when not to swear. I just have a loveable character.

I will bring a new style of music to the world if you sign me. I have a label ‘New Sound Entertain’ New standing a fresh new start a clean product for the people to enjoy, Sound is the product they hear will be satisfying and pleasing; Entertainment will be the performance of the product how I deliver it will be different and diverse. I offer a new form of rap. It will have meaning and will be very clean with no bad language or negativity. I want to rap about the problems of today’s teens and I want to rap about the importance of loving one another and many more topics that are important.
Before I die, I want to promote love and positivity. Thank you

Sincerely
Drew Soundz

Neil alison dannielle

22/2/2013 01:35:14 am

We think that you would be perfect for this as you are very entertaining. This is great and you would definitaly be suitable for the job.

Vivienne

21/2/2013 06:21:09 am

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am applying for a job as Beyonce’s personal stylist.I believe i’m perfect for this job as I love fashion and i’m good at mixing different styles together.I’m sociable, good at communicating and I enjoy my work.I have been working as a the fashion designer for the magazine Vogue for 5 years.
I had a difficult situation once when I organised a fashion show. It was my job to get the models dressed. I just finished styling the last model when I realised there was a hole in the back of the shirt.Time was running out and she couldn’t go back and change so I decided to get a scissors and ripped more holes in it.I was nervous because I didn’t know how people were going to react but in the end people loved it and thought it was very creative.
I can bring new exciting styles for Beyonce and give her a look that everyone would love.Im a very skilled and experienced stylist and I would love to have the oppertunity to work for Beyonce.
Yours sincerly,
Vivienne.

Andrew

21/2/2013 06:21:13 am

I am writing to apply for the position as office manager at your software company.

This is exactly the position I’ve been looking for, so you should forget about all other candidates for this position because I am the best.

I am the perfect candidate for the job because I incredibly smart and amazing at everything I do e.g. I can solve a Rubik’s cube with my magic hands. (Don’t believe me? I will bring one in and show you)

As the assistant manager at my last office I have dealt with difficult situations before e.g. I caught a young employee trying to play a prank on the other employees using a photocopier. I caught him and said “That’s not a photocopier that’s a shredder and what have you done to your arse”. This allowed me to interrupt the prank and not damage office morale. I also solved difficult situations while I spent five years in Afghanistan. Yes! I was in the Taliban.

I have many qualities and I believe this job would present me with many opportunities, like the opportunity to steal a load of stationary. My main qualities are –Attention to detail –A determination to see things through –Yada, yada, yada

I can bring big things to this job, like the photocopier from my last office. Need my CV? Nope this is the facts, I am amazing all round at work so as I said before forget about all other candidates and hire me.

I’ll pop in tomorrow to get the paperwork signed up. No need for an interview, trust me I am the best for the job.

P.S I can’t work from nine to five, my medication wears off at three and there is no need to check my background of course I don’t have a criminal record

No seriously don’t!

Yours sincerely your new office manager

Tara and Lauren

22/2/2013 01:36:03 am

We think you have a great imagination and good use of language and great sense of humour. Overall well done:)

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Critiquing our work - My dream job

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